Saturday, October 07, 2017

Ghostbastard! - The Aftermath

[Continued from Part 1]

"But if I get too close
Will the magic fade?
Would I turn you off or away?
If I pull you in
Now would I push you out
Of something here you care about?
Well I'm at a loss for what to do
But I'm drawn to you
I love you
I'm sorry"

The Avett Brothers - 
"I Wish I Was"

More than a week have passed since that incidents. Following Kuebler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief, the first few hours were a turmoil of denial and anger for me. I didn’t know what hurt me more: the fact that I lost someone I considered as a good friend ... or the sense of betrayal by being left in the dark. Then the stage of bargaining began. I started sending WA messages, emails, message via Messengers, short texts, phone calls ... all left unanswered. Even a visit to his apartment didn’t work. He evaded me by leaving early. Or so the helper said.

Depression came next. I walked like a zombie ... doing things absent-mindedly. I smiled, but everybody said it was a tired one. Once I withdrew some money in the afternoon, only to realize that I’ve done the same thing in the morning!! For the whole day my playlist was full of songs like “StillHurting”, "Come Back to Me", and ... of course “Too Good at Goodbyes”.

But I’m a survivor. And I’ll always be.

So after a while I learned to make peace with it. I found consolation reading articles about why males suddenly disappear. I learned the hard way that I've been ghosted and realized that he wasn't the only - nor the first -  "ghost-bastards" doing it. In fact I was amongst the lucky ones; I was ghosted by a mere friend - special he might've been. Most women in the articles weren't so lucky; they were ghosted by their boyfriend. Many of the them were ghosted after having sex with those bastards ;-) 

Through reading I learned there was a pool of possibility why he ghosted me. Some were not that nice; multi-dating, having a second thought, and being simply an irresponsible jerk who's planned to manipulate an innocent all along. Others are quite heart-warming, just like that Avett Brothers' song: he was just confused and needed time to sort things out, he had fallen but saw no future, he felt inadequate for anything and would rather ghost me first than being ghosted, ... 

In short there was always a possibility that the ghosting is his own defense mechanism to prevent him for getting too close to me. He didn't push me away, he created restrain for himself. Wasn't that why he didn't cut all the possible communication with that crazy lunatic woman? The woman who creepily drew his face and uploaded in the internet, as well as following all his friends in IG?

After a while I returned to my old self; recalling that I was trained as a psychologist. With clinical psychology as my major. Delving the memories of our discussions and meetings I realized that he showed a classic ISFP personality. "The Adventurer". That is what makes him an aMAZIEng artist, as well as explaining his moodiness and here-and-now tendency.

With such a personality, my INTJ personality would've surely felt like a cage for him. Suffocating. The Bhirdcage who is caged by the bird ... isn't that ironic?  

One thing for sure: ghosting is not a gentleman's move and any ghost-bastard doesn't worth my time. Nor my curiousity. Besides ... there is no guarantee I'd get the answer I've been expecting. Even if his reason was amongst those heart-warming one, he would've easily chosen something to turn the table just to save his ego and pride.

So finally I'm letting him go. Fading away from my life. I'll wrap the memories and keep it in the corner of my heart. Because we can never de-specialize someone; no matter how far we've moved on, we'd always look back towards that someone with fondness.


Most probably our paths will never cross again. But a tiny hope still floats that they might. And I'll be ready when he returns. I will not welcome him with Panbers' "Terlambat Sudah" ( = It's Too Late), neither will I quote Justin Bieber's "Friends". 

Thanks to The Avett Brothers (again), I've learned how to let go with No Hard Feeling

For the time being I prefer to return to an old song, from the collaboration of another two great storytellers Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice

"I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain
What I thought I knew"

"Any Dream Will Do", from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

The Muse and I

To Shankar Addi Mehra
whose presence and abrupt leaving inspired me to write again.

And to Dwi Retno Agustini, aka Calista Putri, aka Daffodilslover
who I believe will pass this story to him.

Disclaimer: photo is necessary to avoid accusation that I don't know this filmmaker/storyteller and mentioning his name here as a kind of seeking attention behavior ;-)